Open Mouth, Insert Foot

We've all done it. Yes, even you. We've asked an inappropriate question, laughed when it was unacceptable, or said something offensive.

I'm going to step up to bat and tell you one of my most embarrassing foot-in-mouth stories; with her permission, I'm also going to tell a friend's equally (if not more) hilarious/embarrassing story.

1. I work in the main corporate office of my company; we also have satellite offices in three major cities outside of Nashville. One day, the office manager from another state sent me an email. To make a long and confusing story short, we went in circles on the email of me telling her the same thing three or four times. She needed the assistance of another co-worker of mine, so I copied her the chain of emails and added "Seriously, some people are retarded." Well I guess I can't decipher REPLY from REPLY ALL...and, well - you get the point. I laughed and feared for my job all in a 5 minute time frame. To this day, I still can't believe I did that. I apologized profusely, but any of you that know me know how guilty I felt for weeks following! Lesson learned.

2. One day, my friend (We'll call her Wanda) was on her cell phone talking to her then-fiance. After hanging up with him, she recieved a call from her boss. The boss and Wanda spoke brefiely, and at the end of the convorsation she abruptly said "I love you!" and hung up. Classic! She went in his office the next day and said how sorry she was and explained how the call before his was her finance. The only thing that would make this story more perfect is if she would have stayed on the phone with him long enough to hear his response ;)

We're so professional.

Always a Bridesmaid

In my pre-blog days, my friend Beth would let me post on her website as a guest writer. I wrote the following about 9 months ago, after my 18 month whirlwind of being in ten (yes, as in 10) weddings.

(*author’s note: I am not bitter or cynical. Just remember, I had something wedding-related, be it a shower, party, or wedding, every month since November 2007. Yes, really.)


If I had a dollar for every time someone said I reminded them of Katherine Heigl’s character in 27 Dresses…well, I’d probably have enough to at least pay for one of seven bridesmaids dresses I have protruding from my closest.
Since February of 2008, I’ve been a part of 10 weddings. I’ve been a reader once, a program attendant twice and a bridesmaid seven times. At first it was fun. It was new. And it was exciting.

And then about three weddings in, I was done with it. If I heard “Canon in D” one more time, smelled one more hydrangea or ate one more piece of buttercream-frosted wedding cake I was going to poke my eyes out with my bouquet.

At one point, they all just kind of ran together. But looking back on it now that I am done and don’t have as much as one wedding shower ahead of me, I see that all of the weddings had their own special touch. Something that made each of them unique, made them stand out and made them memorable.

Here is a random list, in no particular order, of some things I’ve learned or observed in the last 18 months of Bridesmaid Bliss.

1. Fall was my favorite time of the year to be in a wedding. I love the coolness of the air and the colors. Taking pictures outside in the dead of summer in a floor length dress is just not fun. Makeup sweats off and hair frizzes!
2. One time early on during a reception, the sash to my dress fell in the toilet as I was using the bathroom. Only me.
3. Every single wedding I was in, I brought the same pair of cheap Target flats to change in to the second I got to the reception location. I will never master walking in heals.
4. PHOTOGRAPHERS KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They are in this business for a reason. I always got so annoyed when another member of the wedding party would try to tell them how to do their job.
5. Of the seven dress, I kept three. Two were perfect as-is, and one was altered to be shorter.
6. DO NOT LOCK YOUR KNEES. I had a bad habit of this. I always shifted my legs during a prayer. And it obviously worked, because I never once passed out.
7. I don’t quite understand the appeal of paying extra money to have your napkins monogrammed. I mean seriously? They wipe cake from your mouth and go in the trash. Not necessary.
8. The last 5 or so minutes before it was time to walk down the aisle was the biggest rush of every kind of emotion.
9. One wedding I was in had a few real-life wedding crashers: students from a local college looking for a free pre-game.
10. I never caught the bouquet. I mean you would have thought at least once, right?!

All that being said, it really is an honor that of all the people she has met along the way, the bride wants you to be a part of the most important day of her life. And while my bank account and social calendar may be smiling more now than before, I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything.

I know I've already posted once today but for some reason I just found this little ditty hilarious.

I went to lunch with my department today. There were 5 of us. The chipper waitress came to the table and took our orders. After the third person, she said, "Let me turn these in, I'll be right back." She literally left to turn in the 1st three orders to the kitchen, came back for the last two and said "O.k. I'm back. What would you like?" I was one of the lone two left and I was laughing so hard that I could barley tell her what I wanted for lunch.

Maybe this goes on the long list of things that I find funny that no one else does, but it was just so bizarre. There was no rhyme or reason to her leaving mid-order...it was so random and spontaneous that I had to share.

LOL.

wednesday randoms

1. We are on the eve of March Madness...quite possibly my most favorite time of the year...next to the opening of College Football and Tennessee's tax-free weekend. I am participating in three bracket pools to feed my addiction. I was never this way until I started working and saw how exciting the Big Dance can be when you have a bracket in hand. I freaking love it.

2. I am DIEING to see Crazy Heart. I wanted to see it even before Jeff Bridges won for best actor, but after hearing lots of good things from various people, I am going to go ASAP...even if I have to go by myself! Which I have done before.

3. If you don't watch, this will mean nothing to you... but American Idol is in full-swing, now that the top 12 have been chosen. Didi and Lee are my favorites. And is it just me, or does Siobhan remind you of Rachel Leigh Cook's character on She's All That?

4. Shout-out to my roommate...I love you but I have to tell this story. She went back to full-time at her current job and so I went on good 'ole Facebook to write her a Congratulations message and refered to her as ACCB - her initials, including her maiden name (she has a double name)...she soon informed me that it took her 20 minutes to figure out what ACCB meant. I really do miss living with her sometimes!

5. God help me if I ever become allergic to cheese. I have given up something for lent for almost 10 years and nothing, I repeat nothing has ever been this hard. I should not be complaining since I chose to give this up for my own personal reasons...but a girl can vent, can't she?! I want a piece of pizza like woah.

Can Facebook statuses also be a blog post? I hope so.

I went to Target at lunch to try on sandals. I took my shoes off, tried on a few pairs, turned around and my shoes were gone. So I walk barefoot through the store and end up finding them at the front desk. Someone had turned them in. My life should be a movie.

Things I don't really need, but can't seem to live without. . .

It is no secret that I am totally and 100% addicted to American Idol. I haven't missed an episode, much less a season, since it started. Up until last year, I taped...yes, using a VHS tape, every episode that I had to miss. Finally last January, I convinced my then-roommate that we needed, had to have, could not live without a DVR. And thus began an easier life where each Tuesday and Wednesday, no matter my plans, American Idol would be safely recorded and stored in my DVR.

As I was watching what I missed of American Idol Tuesday night, I began to think, "could I ever live without DVR?" Well, that's a no-brainer. Hell to the no. My dependency on it is just sad...not only recording shows, be re-winding funny parts of The Office, or fast-forwarding through commercials. When I first signed up for the service, someone told me it would change my life. I wouldn't go that far - but it is definitely something I don't really need, but couldn't imagine living without.

Other things that fit this category...

1. Treadmills with installed t.v. screens.
Pure genius. What better way to breakup the monotony of running than to watch your favorite episodes of Friends. One time I caught myself laughing so loud that the dude in front of me turned around and stared. Awkward moment.


2. Wisp
I am a huge advocate of dental hygiene. I can't count how many times I've brushed my teeth with my finger when there was no other choice...until I discovered these little gems.

3. Seat Heaters
At the risk of sounding like a total diva, cold leather is just about as bad as cold tiles out of the shower. Nothing beats having your backside warmed up on a cold winter morning. How awesome would it be to have your steering wheel be warmed up, too?

Granted, each one of these things could be taken away from me at any given moment and I know my heart would go on. But that doesn't mean I'm looking for it to happen! And besides, my must-haves are way more useful and practical than a Snuggie, Bump-It, or those ridiculous perforated brownie pans.

Agreed?

Practical Jokes

For whatever reason, people love pulling pranks on me. I don't know if it is because of my reaction or what...but I always seem to be everyone's go-to for practical jokes. At church camp (of all places), the girls froze my bra. I had my car shaving-creamed a few times in our high school parking lot. And I am a prime target for water balloons.

This one took the cake though. This happened a few years ago at work - I came in one morning to find this on my desk. I got so ticked...and then I would laugh...and then go back to being ticked. It took me like 3 months to find out who did it.



Just in case you can't figure it out, that's my phone, totally submerged in cherry jell-o. Jim Halpert would be proud.

shout-out to the 37215

To say that my Dad is a Pittsburgh Steelers fanatic is a understatement. Don't believe me? Come over to our house and see his man room.

Last week my boss went to a luncheon where Rocky Bleier was the guest speaker. Don't worry, I had to Google him, too. Without going into detail, he was an important Steelers player back in the day. Anyway, they passed out autographed pictures of Rocky and my boss was kind enough to give me his to give to my dad.

When I left work that day, I had a stack of mail with me, as well as the picture. I put them all in my passenger seat and stopped by the post office drop box on my way home. Well...I dropped more than the mail.

About 5 minutes in to my drive home, I realized what I had done and immediately called the post office, frantically telling them what happened. I told them it was my Dad's birthday gift, hoping that would help my case a little more. White lies never hurt anyone!

He said if I came back in 15 minutes, I could meet someone out there and go through the mail. And I did just that.

With my new best friend in tow, we spent several minutes in the freezing cold going through the day's letters, bills and packages. Finally, we found the unmarked white envelope that held my dad's "birthday gift." I thanked him a thousand times over and went on my merry little way.

A huge THANK YOU to the Green Hills Post Office for saving the day. The picture now hangs among many others in my Dad's man room...except this one has a fun little memory to go along with it!

stick to your day job, Joshua

I have all respect in the world for those in the food-service industry. From hostesses, to waiters and servers...I don't know if I could ever do it. So, if you are reading this and do or ever have worked for a restaurant, this is in no way a knock to you. It's a knock to Joshua.

O.k. - some background info on my little rant.

This past weekend some friends & I rented a cabin in the thriving metropolis that is Gatlinburg, Tennessee...which is quite possibly the cheesiest town in the South. We had fun doing a whole lot of nothing and it was a great way to get away from Nashville for a hot minute.

So Saturday night we went out to dinner at a really great restaurant "in town". There were 12 of us, which always proves to make things a bit more hectic and slow, no matter where you dine. We were seated promptly and the food was great.

So everything sounds good up until now and you are asking where I'm going with this...?

Our waiter...Joshua. Bless his heart. There is a difference in being friendly, and being totally overbearing and, well, annoying.

Joshua was the later. He started out asking us where we were all from, which I guess isn't so bad. But it didn't stop there.

He literally plopped his happy self right beside one of us and started his monologue about how long his day was and how he's a paramedic, too. Today he helped a girl who cut her hand on glass. So he's also a saint. Oh, and he's in a band and has a two year old son. Good for you, Mr. Multitasker. Now let's just take everyone's order and we'll move on.

Mid-meal, as we were eating, he asked if we wanted to hear a religious or dirty joke. Neither, but thanks. Stop making it weird.

Probably the worst came at the end of the meal as we were paying. He stood at the head of the table and explained to us that gratuity was included in our check but if we wanted to tip more, "please give me cash so that I don't have to share with the bartenders."

Here's a tip: stick to your day job!